Short &

Tall Tales

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A L S O B Y L I L I A N J A C K S O N B R A U N

The Cat Who Could Read Backwards The Cat Who Ate Danish Modern

The Cat Who Turned On and Off

The Cat Who Saw Red

The Cat Who Played Brahms

The Cat Who Played Post Office

The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare

The Cat Who Sniffed Glue

The Cat Who Went Underground

The Cat Who Talked to Ghosts

The Cat Who Lived High

The Cat Who Knew a Cardinal

The Cat Who Moved a Mountain

The Cat Who Wasn’t There

The Cat Who Went into the Closet The Cat Who Came to Breakfast

The Cat Who Blew the Whistle

The Cat Who Said Cheese

The Cat Who Tailed a Thief

The Cat Who Sang for the Birds

The Cat Who Saw Stars

The Cat Who Robbed a Bank

The Cat Who Smelled a Rat

The Cat Who Went up the Creek

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The Cat Who Had 14 Tales (Short Story Collection)

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Short &

Tall Tales

Moose County Legends Collected by

James Mackintosh Qwilleran

Lilian Jackson Braun

G . P. P U T N A M ’ S S O N S

New York

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Short and Tall Tales: Moose County Legends A J O VE Book / published by arrangement with the author All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2005 by The Jove Publishing Group.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.

For information address:

The Jove Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

The Penguin Putnam Inc. World Wide Web site address is http://www.penguinputnam.com

ISBN: 0-5151-3635-2

A JOVE BOOK®

J OVE Books first published by Berkley Publishing Group, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc.,

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

JOVE and the "J" design are trademarks belonging to Penguin Putnam Inc.

Electronic edition: May 2005

Dedicated to Earl Bettinger, The Husband Who . . .

J A M E S M A C K I N T O S H Q W I L L E R A N

W I S H E S T O S AY:

“Let us give credit where credit is least expected.

To the automated coffeemaker that did yeoman duty during the preparation of this book. To my trusty typing machine, older than I am and still clicking. To Kao K’o Kung and Yum Yum, who sat tirelessly on my desk, supervising. Koko, as he is known, was ever willing to stare at my forehead when I was slow in thinking of the right word. Yum Yum, my official Muse, inspired with her mere presence and never once caught her whiskers in the typewriter platen.”

Contents

Introduction by Lilian Jackson Braun

1

1. The Legend of the Rubbish Heap

3

2. Secret of the Blacksmith’s Wife

9

3. Housecalls on Horseback

15

4. Hilda the Clipper

21

5. Milo the Potato Farmer

27

6. The Little Old Man in the Woods

33

7. My Great-Grandmother’s Coal Mine

39

8. The True (?) History of Squunk Water

45

9. Whooping It Up with the Loggers

49

10. “The Princess” and the Pirates

55

11. Wildcattin’ with an Old Hog

59

12. The Scratching Under the Door

65

13. The Dimsdale Jinx

69

14. The Mystery of Dank Hollow

75

15. Tale of Two Tombstones

81

16. The Pork-and-Beans Incident at Boggy Bottom

87

17. At Last, a Hospital in the Wilderness

93

18. Emmaline and the Spiral Staircase

99

19. The Curious Fate of the Jenny Lee

103

20. A Scary Experience on a Covered Bridge

109

21. A Cat Tale: Holy Terror and the Bishop

113

22. Those Pushy Moose County Blueberries

117

23. The Curse on the Apple Orchard

123

24. Matilda, a Family Heroine

129

25. How Pleasant Street Got Its Name

133

26. The Noble Sons of the Noose

137

27. Phineas Ford’s Fabulous Collection

141

Introduction

by Lilian Jackson Braun

When James Mackintosh Qwilleran and his tape recorder left the crowding and anonymity of the megalopolis and discovered Moose County, 400 miles north of everywhere, he learned two things: In a small rural community, everyone is a celebrity, and everyone has a story to tell.

Here was a journalist who had never known his grand-parents or even his own father! And he was interviewing folks whose roots went back to 1850. Their tales were short, and some were beyond belief. He listened and captured them for this volume of Short and Tall Tales. Also included are some of Qwilleran’s own research papers based on chats 쑽쑽쑽

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Lilian Jackson Braun with historians, members of the Oldtimers Club (no one under eighty), and descendants of backwoods pioneers.

A word about the author: Qwill, as he likes to be called, was a prize-winning journalist on major newspapers Down Below—until circumstances (read “an inheritance”) caused him to go native, so to speak. He is a tall, rugged in-dividual if middle aged, with graying hair, an oversize mustache that is much admired, and brooding eyes that harbor both sympathy and a sense of humor. He lives in a converted barn in Pickax City, the county seat (population 3,000). As is well known, his housemates are two Siamese cats. And yes, he has a girlfriend.

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1.

The Legend of

the Rubbish Heap

A Chronicle of Two Pioneer Families How a miraculous bit of good luck started a three-generation course of success and disappointment, love and hatred, disaster and . . .

all’s well that ends well. It happened in Moose County, and details are corroborated by interviews with oldtimers and by diaries, letters, and other documents in the Pickax historical collection.

—JMQ

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In the mid–nineteenth century, when Moose County was beginning to boom, it was a Gold Rush without the gold. There were veins of coal to be mined, forests to be lumbered, granite to be quarried, land to be developed, fortunes to be made. It would become the richest county in the state.

In 1859 two penniless youths from Germany arrived by schooner, by way of Canada. On setting foot on the foreign soil, they looked this way and that to get their bearings, and both saw it at the same time! A piece of paper money in a rubbish heap! Without stopping to inquire its value, they tore it in half to signify their partnership. It would be share and share alike from then on.

Their names were Otto Wilhelm Limburger and Karl Gustav Klingenschoen. They were fifteen years old.

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Lilian Jackson Braun long hours, obeyed orders, learned everything they could, used their wits, watched for opportunities, took chances, borrowed wisely, cheated a little, and finally launched a venture of their own.

By the time they were in their thirties, Otto and Karl dominated the food and shelter industry. They owned all the rooming houses, eating places, and travelers’ inns along the shoreline. Only then did they marry: Otto, a God-fearing woman named Gretchen; Karl, a fun-loving woman nicknamed Minnie. At the double wedding the friends pledged to name their children after each other. They hoped for boys, but girls could be named Karla and Wil-helmina. Thus the two families became even more en-twined . . . until rumors about Karl’s wife started drifting back from the waterfront. When Karl denied the slander, Otto trusted him.

But there was more! One day Karl approached his partner with an idea for expanding their empire. They would add saloons, dance halls, and female entertainment of various kinds. Otto was outraged! The two men argued. They traded insults. They even traded a few blows and, with noses bleeding, tore up the fragments of currency that had been in their pockets since the miracle of the rubbish heap.

Karl proceeded on his own and did extremely well, financially. To prove it, he built a fine fieldstone mansion in Pickax City, across from the courthouse. In retaliation Otto imported masons and woodworkers from Europe to build a brick palace in the town of Black Creek. How the commu-

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Short & Tall Tales nity reacted to the two architectural wonders should be mentioned. The elite of the county vied for invitations to sip tea and view Otto’s black walnut woodwork; Karl and Minnie sent out invitations to a party and no one came.

When it was known that the brick mansion would be the scene of a wedding, the best families could talk of nothing else. The bride was Otto’s only daughter; he had arranged for her to marry a suitable young man from the Goodwinter family; the date was set. Who would be invited? Was it true that Otto had taken his daughter before a magistrate and legally changed her name from Karla to Elsa? It was true. Elsa’s dower chest was filled with fine household linens and intimate wedding finery. Gifts were being delivered in the best carriages in town. Seamstresses were working overtime on costumes for the wedding guests.

Gowns for the bridal party were being shipped from Germany. Suppose there was a storm at sea! Suppose they did not arrive in time! ...